my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Randomize
