Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
