that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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