"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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