Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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