my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
