Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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