Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
