I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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