he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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