Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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