Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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