Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
