Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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