I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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