fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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