Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize