Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
