you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I wish there were birth control emojis
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
