I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
