the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Let's get the cat blown out
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
