I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
