My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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