in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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