I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
