so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
