T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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