I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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