where am i from again
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
