Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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