Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
