He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Randomize
