seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
