i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
