so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
