The maid of honor just puked.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
