Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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