shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
