By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Dicks are not precious.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
