Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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