Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
