i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
