I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize