That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
