I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
