apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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