when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
