I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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