i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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