conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
