why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
