So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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