So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
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