do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
