He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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