I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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