just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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