when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
