bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
