What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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