I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
