last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
