Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
