You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
