My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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