we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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