I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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