I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
