I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
